Who is there?
My knees who?
Do you want Mayonnaise or butter
It is that time in life when you get up, you can’t figure out which body part is paining less. Everything seems to be lumpy or painful or just sore.
Even before you get up, when you have spent majority of the night getting up with a parched throat and with a dire desire to pee, you do both and come back and repeat ad infinitum. In between you catch few moments of sleep. That is called the “The P dilemma”- 2 P or ! 2 P. (just so it doesn’t get into squabby filters).
To add further to the woes, you recently figured that fondling a pillow under your legs is generally considered a good practice for wobbly knees. But nobody tells you the pain of the pillow. Turning from one side to another takes on a whole new dimension when you have to turn not only your aching body but also thy pillow. And that too when you have just gotten comfortable and warm, you realize that you must sleep on the other side, else dear sleep will elude. Ouch, aah, toss and finally turn, pulling the comforter under yourself while dragging the pillow, much to the chagrin of an irate husband who is suddenly un-comforted literally.
Let me start at the beginning. Of a painful bright may day. The day started normally but gradually went south. Normally an avid walker, I gave up after a couple of rounds with a mask and unmasked unruly teenagers around. Generally wheezing and puffing, I pulled my tired body a floor up and flopped on the sofa with a knee jerk reaction- something is wrong with my knees. They seem to have developed a life and direction of their own and never the twain shall agree. With the left heel throbbing away (thanks to the heels I dared to put on after 20 years for 2 hours) and right knee giving way (to whom, I wondered aloud) every now and then. The ever-helpful husband recommended a painkiller and muscle spray and crepe bandage. I gave him my martyr look that told him I am not giving in yet, I will tolerate the pain. Last brave words ever said. Poor guy subsided gracefully.
The night went tossing and turning religiously following the P dilemma- – 2 P is always the winner- and I realized I had another part of anatomy called lower back which knew how to ache too but don’t know whether the sore knee influenced the back to start acting up or it was the other way round. My hollering – back off didn’t seem to influence the joints in any way. So, the next morning, I was limping around with a bent back. Now I did need some remedies for my maladies. Thank God for my friends whose only job is to look for all kinds of recipes for my stupid ailments. Get some “choona”(edible lime) the one that is used in all betel leaves, mix with turmeric and put on the painful region and tie with crepe and you are done. Sure enough, a day later, I was done for. The aforementioned knee started itching and became red and puffy. The desi solution was dumped in the wastebasket and now I was hobbling around with a bent back and a painfully itching knee. Now, wasn’t that cor-nee!
A couple of anti-allergic later, I was on call with my orthopedic doctor who wanted me to get my knees x raid (choice of the spelling is by design). But the next-door clinic said, we can only do chest x rays, forget your knee pain for a month, don’t you know there is covid around. About 20 days later, enquired again and the lady relented, ok, “itna dard hain to aa jao”.
The x ray just revealed there was no issue, at least that is what the doctor said. It is normal, “for your age”. On a side note, this “for your age” is a remark which is totally superfluous and innocuous and can be done away with and buried so deep that it is never heard of again. All it does is make you feel double your age.
So back to square one. Now the days and nights are fraught with oohs and aahs of the wrong nature. The P movement continues along with the comforter pulling and pillow dragging. At least nobody can say I don’t have an active nightlife. The husband tries to hold my hand comfortingly which is pulled annoyingly away, now don’t you bother me anymore, my knee is giving me tough problems- of differential nature.
Every time I look at my knees, I try to ascertain if there is some swelling, which always, to me, appears so, (at my age) but the doctor says- it is quite normal, along with the post subjective judgment. Anyway, fat anywhere is fat, right. And also, it is now a little tough to even look at my knees properly since my protruding tummy fills the vision. Putting on 3-4 kgs is no joke and if you miss your knees so much, try reducing. I could only manage it by eating enough (aka hogging) and no exercise.
That brings me to my perineal problem of being fat along with wobbly knees and anything I wear is too tight, and the bulge in the front is quite like a 6 month pregnant woman (with maybe twins). And I have no desire to hear it is normal “for your age”. Even my maid just came and recited the same – “Bhabhi is umar me thoda hota hain na”. I am now officially “ It is normal for your age” years old. Maybe I can start my next blog with Once upon a time when knee pain was unheard of.
PS: Please don’t share your solutions to knee pain. I am a google doctor too.