These two months without you have been horrendous. The kingdom has missed you so much that they put up “We miss you” posters all over (or maybe they missed the laughs, sic). Do you have any idea at all what I went through in your absence! I wish I had taken the long overdue break in the Swiss Alps too. People have been speculating where you were and why you are not here with your people. What am I supposed to tell them?
I can’t tell them you are relaxing at Bangkok. (BTW, why did you go there, you are not even married?). You should have told me you need a change and I would have found you a beautiful Italian princess. I could not tell them you were doing all the dangerous stunts in Uruguay. Their repartee would have been- A person who is unable to play the political game in his kingdom has run away to play children’s games elsewhere. So, just for your records- I told them you were meditating about the future of the empire. But what is funny is that even after seeing you for so many years, people still believe you are capable of deep thinking. Your चिंतन break had given me so much of चिन्ता and I had to colour my hair every week to hide the greys.
During your absence the kingdom has been modified a lot. People are only talking about “अच्छे दिन” and “स्वच्छ भारत” and more such slogans in unpronounceable Hindi. Now we have to counter them with our anglicized accent (remember the people in this land worship the गोरी चमड़ी, and I seriously can’t think of any alternate reason why they would want you back, anyone sane would wish you Good Riddance). I was thinking of countering them with some innovative alternate slogans. Do you think “Good day” and “Save the Environment” can sell? Only we can think of such a radically different idea and we can distribute the biscuits along with it too. I know that the children in class V have to learn essays on environment I will get you the essay that got the first prize and you can memorize and recite it next time you are talking to Ornob. I think even he will be impressed.
I don’t understand all this nonsense about “Make in India”. The only thing that it reminds me of is the ancient song by Alisha. Thinking aloud, if you get you an Indian bride, can we market the idea as a “Made in India bride”? But these days bachelorhood is more in- so maybe frequent Bangkok trips is all you need. But then I digress.
I was also planning an image makeover for you now that you are back. The latest look in the vogue is one with 56 inch chest, white hair and beard and a suit with your name all over it. So start gymming now and make sure your lean look is gone and you develop at least a 50 inch chest to match. Stop shaving, go dye your hair and beard white, throw away your lenses and start wearing the latest branded rim-less specs. And I’ll get you a Gold embroidered Armani with “नाम तो सुना ही होगा” written all over it, I’ll sell one of your jiju’s lands to fund it. People will get confused and that suits us very well.
And what did you do about the essays I gave you to rote on “Land Bill” and “Indian Economy”? Have you revised them by heart? I don’t want you to falter when you are talking about these. I know you are coming back from sabbatical, but people still expect to see you fully conversant with the latest hot topics. And I want you to erase the words “women empowerment” from your vocabulary. It is a big no-no. The only entertainment it gave to the audience was similar to Kapil’s show. ( And you know I was seriously thinking about that alternate career for you, if this game does not work well, the jokes you can crack with a straight face will have people in splits).
Now I do understand you want to sit on my throne. Right now you are allowed to sit on my lap only. I am still going to be your babysitter and make sure you don’t fall off the chair. You can’t always run to me crying, Mommy, they are laughing at me, every time a media person says something you don’t understand. Look at my example, have I broken at all over these past decades. I learnt to wear this 6 yard ensemble, which is so tough to walk in, and learnt to say a few words in the tongue-twister language. You have to make some sacrifices to get the throne. Anyway, right now it is time to go to the rally and talk intelligently on the land bill. (Sometimes I feel your looks are so intelligent, till you open your mouth, sigh, जब अपना ही सिक्का खोटा..) Don’t botch it up else I am going to put you on my knees (on the same throne) and spank you hard.
Your overprotective worried hen-momma
P.S. I am glad the dog brought you back. This tail wagging sucker species also lighted crackers and danced. Can’t beat their loyalty.