I am a fallen woman

God yes! I have to finally accept the fact. The above words are true to the bone. Talking of fallen women, I am the fallenest of them all. Yes, I understand you deserve an explanation. What happened? Why did I stoop so low as to fall? The intriguing and interesting (maybe) reasons are not beyond imagination. 

The classic take of this fallen woman began a few years ago when she was sleeping. She got up to relieve herself and found herself on the floor instead. With a leg that refused to bend and knee (u jerk) that was twice its normal size, for no apparent reason. It took a box full of pills and a visit to urgent care (that showed no urgency ) and a business class trip back to India to feel better. It is a much longer story you can read at https://myhumerousbone.wordpress.com/2022/07/01/on-your-knees-get-set-dont-go/

Undaunted by the mishap, a couple of years ago I decided to go shopping. I took a bold step out of the cab and gently twisted my foot. Not intentionally but maybe the foot had a mind of its own. Actually that is what happens when various body parts develop this condition called – I-will-go-wherever-I-want much like the troublesome teenager who refuses to listen to reason. Long story short, after some self medication, followed by a visit to the nearby orthopaedic, who cast me in a cast and left me to fend for myself complete with a cane for the next month. If that interests you, the detailed version can be found at https://myhumerousbone.wordpress.com/2023/03/03/break-a-leg-or-two/

The trend continued. A few months later, I started practising yoga, maybe it will improve the balance and make my muscles, or whatever is left of it, stronger and less fattier (or is it fatter). Yes, I made a mistake. I imagined I could exercise vigorously and get away with it, but shhh, the leg was listening. This time it was a twisted knee. Why the fellow decided to twist is anyone’s guess as dance and I never got along well. And decided that never the twain shall we meet. Maybe the knee is hard of hearing. 3 weeks of physiotherapy, learning to walk straight again and not look like a duck waddle, patience woman, thy knee will heal. Now the doctor and I are on first name basis, he knows I will be back soon.

And heal it did, but left its mark, it isn’t the same anymore. My right side acts a shade shadier than the left. And that is absolutely not right. I would have left it alone, if not for the fact that it is directly connected to the rest of my body. I think I may need to start walking with that book on my head, provided my neck can handle the extra weight. 

My toe and little finger have also decided to join in the fun. They love to go on a banging adventure of their own, pitting against the door or any other piece of furniture in the vicinity and the stars look so beautiful, even during daytime. The piece of furniture can be a few feet away, but my feet with my wobbled walk will find its way there somehow and check it out. I spanked it too, but it seemed to rather enjoy that.

I have also realised that my legs somehow have an affinity with all the potholes on the road. I love my long walks but who knew even a nice long walk would come with a hefty price tag (aka the doctors bill). If there is a gap in the road, I have to measure it, here my foot refuses to behave the way it behaves with furniture around. 

And recently Humpty had a great fall, the king of falls. Did I choose to fall? absolutely not. Socks are a culprit, I know since the socks and sandals came in contact with each other, but socks and floor  also behave the same way, was yet to be determined. I was on the phone, the bell rang and I walked towards the door. I took a left turn and my body took a horizontal one and I found myself back on the floor with my fat thighs and elbow taking all the load. The only time I have ever been grateful for the layers of fat around my hips that make me look like a pear. I think the way I felt after the ground touched me was as if the earth quaked. Or did it shout in pain when a truckload of fat fell on it. The ball fell, bounced, fell again, thanks to Newton. Nothing broke, the fat acts as great shock absorbers, but I get to wear a pain patch for the next 20 days. At the ground level, that isn’t so bad after all.

Now I know I  am a tragic figure doomed to wander the earth with the gait of an old person, drooping slightly on one side, hobbling in place of walking. Osteoporosis has befallen. I am the poster child of bone decay, almost like I took a wrong turn at the crossroads (or was it the pavement) and the ground is the next thing I saw. But walk I will, and meet all ye potholes and furniture. If I fall yonder, do pull me up and get me on my way to the next fall. Maybe I should christen myself water since water falls.

Now I have a guideline for the right behaviour 

Step 1 : look before you step

Step 2 : learn to walk slowly.

Step 3: give furniture a wider berth

Step 4: Socks suck, lose them.

Step 5: if not, be ready for a fall-down

Break a leg- or two

Murphy is never wrong. All the law’s and rules he has up his sleeve have proven true sometime or the other. Didn’t he also say something about problems multiplying with better articulation than I. Dene wala jab bhi deta poora chappar phaad ke deta.

So, like all the mysteries settings, it was a bright sunny afternoon. Too bright, too sunny, yet cold enough to wear socks. with sandals. Now that is a crime, ladies and gentlemen and you will soon see why.  Socks are to be worn with shoes, and not paired with sandals or chappals. So said somebody wise, when I was not listening.

I needed to do some shopping. Had been shopping the entire year, but you know, like the list of never-ending chores, my shopping list was never-ending too. It was a Saturday and my husband decided to tag along- which is a rarity.

M.G Road in Pune is a nice place for shopping and eating and I have couple of favourite shops there. So booked an ola and reached the place. Trying to linger with the suspense, uber doesn’t really work well any longer for me, even though I have a great customer rating, I am never able to book one. It keeps trying very hard, must say, but no avail. So Ola it was.

Reached the destination and got out of the cab with the left foot complete with the sandal-and-a-sock, placed it on the road and got up from the cab (remember the ads and the movies where the beautiful leg moves out daintily followed by an equally beautiful blonde, this was nothing like it so set your imagination to rest). A tired, ancient, crumbling but determined-to-shop auntie oozed out of the cab.

And the foot twisted. In a quick motion, unlike the slow way of building up the story. It took me a few seconds to straighten my leg but the damage was done. Little did I know what was further in store.

It was painful but shopping you know. I continued hobbling to the shops. I also want to pause here and say, the road was awful, quite opposite to a smooth, silky one, every step was uneven and I had a interesting time, limping my way to the shops. And had one more twist of the same foot once again after which I decided to get rid of the socks, but it was too late. In about an hour or so, I was down by half a million and my leg was also done for. The swelling looked dangerous and we decided to come back home.

“Feels like a sprain”. A painkiller and ice pack later. I will be fine in the morning. Morning did feel better, the pain and swelling had subsided but there was still one section that didn’t feel great. But I stumbled along with my life. There was so much work and travel and I did not have time to bother about sprains.  A number of friends advised- go to the doctor, don’t try self-healing, but me being wiser (or so I thought), I said, come on, it is better, just a slight limp and pain, I will be fine in a few days – sprains take a couple of weeks to heal. Also tried funny desi ilaaj – turmeric and chuna with betel leaf (I think it helped too)

10 days later, still being in the same state, called up my ortho friend and asked what I should do, it does not feel right, she asked me outright whether I had heard of something called x-ray. A trifle abashed, I thought maybe I should go and do that, no harm anyway and ask the doctor how I can get the pain and swelling down.

The X ray looked like a normal one to me. So I wondered whether even to walk in to a ortho, but, might as well, since I am here. The ortho took one look and sealed my fate- It is a fracture. You will need a cast. Do you want to call someone from the family? Well, not really, I am alone, I just came to get a balm. We will put your foot in a cast, you will need a walker, at least for 21 days. Nooooo, I have the most important event coming up in 10 days, I can’t keep the cast on. Nothing doing. The doctor was unimpressed. Got me on the bed and plastered me. Driven around on a wheelchair with the reports in one hand and a shoe in the other was a novel experience. with everyone around “tch tch”ing and me feeling quite the center of attraction.

But then I realised I did not even know how to walk. Which leg first, how not to put your weight (which is significant) on the wrong foot. How to hold the walker, how to manage stairs. And the calls, everyone had to call and ask what were you doing – nothing – just walking that I had been doing for 50+ years of existence. And of course, people refused to believe me. “you must have tried to break a leg” Yeah, that’s it.

Being pampered is not common for me and I took full advantage of it. It isn’t every day that your husband hovers around and voluntarily makes himself useful.

One dull cloudy day, it rained in all its glory. And water merrily found its way in the cast. You can’t imagine how itchy and pricky it was so I invented a new use for hair dryer. Yes, it can also be used to dry that part of the foot where the human hand (or towel) cannot reach.

Walking with a cast and a walker – with so much to do- was much more of a pain than before. Maybe I should write about the “journey to the bathroom” or “limp before you walk”. After about 10 days, I was fed-up and staggered to a different ortho this time. Please, I need to take this off, just 2 days left now. This one was impressed. Another x ray later, he told me- you are lucky. It is the most minor of the fractures. It will heal- on its own. You can do whatever you want, including shake and break a leg. No, I have had enough of the cast-in-couch (pun intended). But away walked a happy old lady, on 2 feet- cast-less.

And danced and danced next few days. The swelling took merely 10 days to subside.