(earlier partly published on my Facebook page)
There IT was, sprawled large and lifelike on my bed! How would you react if you enter your bedroom and see a monster? I did exactly the same thing any woman in my situation would do, shrieked at the top of my voice. My savior came in. With the expression and audio clip of “What am I supposed to do? I can’t catch it.” At least you can be supportive. Go away. My warrior instincts, that I did not know existed, came alive. ( my husband will disagree). I tried tapping around the creature, maybe it is afraid of sounds. It slithered down from the bed and climbed my dressing table. I tried the traditional “shoo”, it seemed amused at my feeble attempts to dislodge it. We spend a good 1/2 hour playing cat and mouse. It went into all nooks and corners with me following and went up my bed again, trying to figure out my next move. the audacity of the fellow!
Enough! I needed a weapon, shall I try the AAP symbol. As focused as I was on locating the reptile, I did not hear my husband come in ( finally) to help. मेरी तो almost death ही हो गयी. Husband, wife armed with the झाड़ू, chasing a lizard, with the wife shrieking at every move of the fellow. Does it sounds funny to you? It was the most stressful 1/2 hour of the week. झाड़ू works at least on lizards, but I am no lizard encounter specialist.
My worse half’s version
T20 world cup. Bliss. Wifey moving around doing something’s that they do (don’t ask and you won’t get a task). Even with full focus on TV, a sound penetrated my ears that sounded vaguely like she was screaming. To go or not to go, I’ll miss the over. But if I don’t, there will be no end to it. Duty won. She was standing at the door of the room, looking out of her wits, pointing to a lizard on the bed. What! She made me miss the world cup for THIS?? What am I supposed to do? I can’t catch it. She gave me the look reserved for husbands-who-are-not-supportive and told me to go away. Good! Back to TV.
But you know the nagging feeling, she’ll try to be brave but she is actually terrified by the beast. My concentration is gone. T-20 can’t be prioritized over the 20 year old marriage. After battling with my conscience for 1/2 hour, T-20 lost, I went back in and saw their cat and mouse drill. Move aside, your savior is here, took the झाड़ू and just 5 minutes to chase it to the next room. There are some things boys naturally do better, like chasing lizards (can you see me shrug, बाएं हाथ का खेल हैं kind). And then she hugged me and started crying. What man, who wants the theatrics now. Vocally “It was just a lizard. Relax, it is all right. I am always there for you.” Finally, phew, she let me go back to the Indian National Pass-time.
And the creature’s version
She looked at me with crazy killer eyes, I was just taking my afternoon siesta on the lush bed. Haven’t they heard about peaceful coexistence?. These humans are crazy, specially the female of the species. Cant she go and do something in the wonderfully smelly place they call the kitchen. I love it, I can always catch my meal there. OK, let me go up this wooden thing, this is pretty smelly too, causing me to sneeze (and they call this perfume, ugh). Maybe now she will go away. But that high decibel sound she keeps producing every time I move, is getting on my nerves.
What is she doing? Why do I get the feeling that she is playing with me? Awesome, I love the mickey mouse chases, let me give her some exercise. Oh no, what is she wielding now? Looks like an ancient military weapon that was used on my ancestors as well. How do I fight this? But now it is a question of my इज़्ज़त. I can’t let this lady bug win over me. In the lizard world, मैं किसी को मुह दिखाने लायक नहीं रहूँगा!
I was almost winning the chase when the man of the house came in. Two people and a weapon. How can a puny creature like me handle such a strong trio, it is not fair. I have no option but to slither out of the master bedroom. But a lizard who runs away lives to fight another day. Like Arnold, I will be back!